[Intro: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
We're here today with film star Natalie Portman. Now, Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.
Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then. But... I've matured a lot.
Why don't you fill us in on what it's like to be you?
Okay, ya bish.
I'm sorry, what?

[Verse 1: Natalie Portman]
Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man
You know it's clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade (Woo!)
Xannies dissolving in my Pinot
My man dance, but he's not a ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though
Wrap a good burrito
Tide Pods only fucking thing I snack on
Black out and go motherfucking Black Swan
Brain gone off that fucking Ayahuasca, boy
Tell your tourist parents I'ma turn you into a foster boy!

[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
Wow, I gotta say it seems like you're almost exactly the same, but with current references.
Untrue. I'm a mother now. It's really changed my perspective.
And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?
You can juggle these nuts.
What?

[Verse 2: Natalie Portman]
I don't dance now, I make mommy moves
When I gave birth, I didn't even push
I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush
And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor
They say I'm sex-positive
Hell yeah, I'm positive
That you're going down while I'm bumping "My Prerogative"
Tell me why
Ha, I guess I'm showing my age
Now bend over and spread them because you about to get fucked
(Damn!)

[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask, Natalie, have you seen the new Star Wars movies?
No
Oh, well they're really good! They're much better than...
Better than what?
...shit

[Verse 3: Natalie Portman & Alex Moffatt]
Say something 'bout the motherfucking prequels, bitch! (They were good!)
Say something fucking nice about Jar-Jar Binks (He's tall?)
Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks (What?)
While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Bridge: Andy Samberg (as Carl the Viking) & Natalie Portman]
Oh, Natalie... Yeah?
Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night
That little shit ain't mine!
Oh, Natalie... What?
It's been twelve long years
Shut the fuck up!
And I'm seven days sober, I swear on his life!
You're a mess, Carl.

[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
Okay, well, that's all the time we have. Natalie, one last question—do you think those "Time's Up" pins have had the impact that you were hoping for? AH!
How's that for impact?
Well, actually — oh, no...
No more questions.